


Primitive Conditions

by Galahard



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Drabble, air conditioning fail, lightly implied Percilot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 16:13:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5011261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Galahard/pseuds/Galahard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt by gentlekingsmen on tumblr: There is a day worse than V-Day for Kingsman; it’s the day when the air-conditioners across the entire facility breaks down and chaos ensues |D</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Fall break! A day of nothing scheduled! I needed to just write SOMETHING because I'm rusty, and I really want to get back into the habit QQ

His hand trembled, wrist threatening to give out entirely, but James somehow managed to put his usual flourish onto his signature before collapsing back into his seat and slowly sliding out of it. Leather. The bane of his life was leather. Who would have thought.

_I, ~~James Buchanan Barnes~~ ~~James Spader~~ Lancelot, being of sound mind and body hereby bequeath my worldly goods to Alastair “Hot Pants” McIntosh._

He reached up from his spot on the floor to nudge the paper toward Alastair, hoping he’d get the hint on his own and take the damn thing. There was a rustling of paper above, and then an annoyed sigh, and he managed a weak grin. At least he could die in peace now. 

“You’re not dying, James.”

“I’m pretty sure I am,” he countered, using the last of his remaining energy to try to peel his undershirt off from his chest.

“Even if you were I don’t want your ‘worldly possessions.’ I have no need for a complete and up to date beanie baby collection, nor do I need your stash of Hello! magazines you keep under the bed.”

“Some of those are going to be worth something someday,” he insisted, a tiny bit of energy seeping back into him. Just enough to argue. “Especially the bear ones. I just don’t think you appreciate my collection enough. Maybe I should write a new will and leave them all to Roxy.”

“I’m sure she’ll be thrilled, that dog of hers loves stuffed animals.”

He made it to his feet without realizing it, staring in horror at Alastair. “That’s it, I’m outliving both of you.” Then he grimaced, realizing his mistake at moving so quickly as a bead of sweat trickled down his back. He sat back down, the leather already forgotten, and groaned as the absorbed heat flooded into him and his skin stuck to the chair.


	2. Chapter 2

The best thing about having minions was that he hadn’t had to move his own desk to the garden. There, in the haven provided by the shade of a tree and several fans with rather long extension cords, Merlin attempted to work.

Mostly on ordering ice cold lemonade and water, but it was work, and he was doing it. 

He’d just about managed to start an email when there was a whoop and Eggsy went dashing by, breaking up his run with a cartwheel. He cringed at the thought of _moving_ in the heat, and watched as JB trotted well behind his owner, flopping over next to a bush and watching Eggsy as if he was crazy.

At least the dog had sense.

He’d labored through one sentence when the miscreant reappeared, leaning a hand against his desk. “So, what are you up to,” he asked, reaching out to steal a sip of his drink and Merlin didn’t even have the energy to bat his hand away.

“I’m trying to get the repairman fired that still hasn’t fixed our air conditioning if you must know.”

“Why? He just got here an hour ago, he manage to fuck things up even worse than James did?”

“As far as I can tell no one can fuck things up worse than James. We’ve been waiting on this man for three days, that’s unacceptable.”

“And you’re just contacting them now because--?”

“Well I want him to fix it first. Obviously.”

“You people and your bloody air conditioning,” Eggsy replied, derision evident. “We ain’t got none of that fancy stuff where I was from. Hot outside?Just go somewhere that’s got AC or to the pool or something, yeah? Dump some water on your head, you’ll pull through. Ain’t no big deal.”

Merlin glowered at him and the boy just grinned back, his smile only faltering when Merlin started to smirk. “I’m glad the heat doesn’t seem to bother you. We’ve been asked by the American branch to send someone to help them out in southern Texas, and I think I’ve just found the perfect candidate.”


End file.
